Okay, calm down. This is not a joke. This is not a drill. No, Tempz isn’t here to clear all the things in your house, and no, nobody dropped a screw in the tuna. After the standard industry leaks did the rounds on the internet, Square Enix finally confirmed a release date for Final Fantasy XV. That’s correct – what was formerly the seemingly-doomed Final Fantasy Versus XIII will now be available for purchase on the 30th of September in this foul, death-ridden year of our lord, two-thousand and sixteen.

As you can imagine, this is both tremendous and shocking news, primarily because Squeenix actually managed to pull this off, albeit ten years late. And to show that they are serious business, everyone’s favourite JRPG connoisseurs have also gone and released a playable demo named after a style of condoms, titled the ‘Platinum Demo’, which features protagonist Noctis as a child in a dream-like world, being guided by the ridiculously adorable and recurring eidolon Carbuncle in a standalone storyline that will not feature in the final product. The demo will allow players to master “various weapons, magic skills and driving”, which is great for those plebs that didn’t preorder Final Fantasy Type-0 HD. Like me. *sniff*

Kids and their goddamn phones nowadays, eh? (SOURCE: youtube.com/mds0629)

Kids and their bloody phones nowadays, eh? (SOURCE: youtube.com/mds0629)

Now I have to channel Billy Mays, because WAIT! There’s more! Well, there’s a lot more, really. In addition to the demo, Squeenix have also developed a feature-length CGI film entitled Kingsglaive: Final Fantasy, which features the vocal talents of Aaron Paul, Sean Bean, and Lena Headey. Jesus Christ, you’re gonna pack a weeping, Juggalo meth cook together with a man who’s died in video media more times than Captain Jack Harkness, along with a goddamn queen. Seems legit, I’m not complaining. Hell, the damn movie is being produced by Sony Pictures Entertainment. Here’s the trailer below:

And if that wasn’t enough to rustle your jimmies, Squeenix have also announced a five-part anime series entitled Final Fantasy XV – Brotherhood, which can all be streamed free of charge on YouTube. Jeez. Here’s the trailer for that:

It’s nice to see that Squeenix have really gone to such lengths to try and sell FFXV as much as they have. Oh, and if you care for it at all, they also announced a spinoff for mobiles entitled Justice Monsters V, which apparently combines “role-playing elements with some of the franchise’s most iconic monsters”, which is to be released later this year for both iOS and Android. Okay then.

Now just release the arcade version of Dissidia in Europe and announce the Final Fantasy VII remaster, and then we good, Squeenix.

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